grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
