24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
