My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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