i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize