Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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