I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
