Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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