Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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