I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize