On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
