When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
