I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
