Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
