Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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