you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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