I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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