If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
