I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
