I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
