u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
