Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You've changed since you got that strap on
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
