U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
