I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize