the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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