I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
