Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize