What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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