ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
