My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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