Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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