Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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