He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Soap is not a condiment
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
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