I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
