I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
