do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
