Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
