my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
