She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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