If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
