We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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