It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
