i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
false alarm. still invincible.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
