Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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