We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
