I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
