Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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