i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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