I wish I only lived at night.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
