Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
