im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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