I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize