haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
