Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
