I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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