my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
accomplished twins. life is a go
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
