you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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