I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
